My Book My Story

People ask the odd time how am I doing? Sometimes I'm reluctant to share.

Why?

1.Because I don't want you to fix me

2.Because my story is different than yours

3.Because I don't want to be judged

4. Because making myself vulnerable opens myself up to being hurt

5. Because sometimes it's just gut wrenching painful and there are no words to describe it

6.Because even though you ask me your body language tells me you really don't want to know

 

I've been called all sorts of things this week. Painful things. And I wonder because we are all created so different, why can't we celebrate our differences, and still accept each other. Can we only help others on our own terms? The way we think it should be done, or look like?

 If we were to share our story from birth until now every plot, climax ,dream, hope would be different for all of us.

 

When I was faced with chemo I had no Sayer's, vocal words -that's poison would never do that to my body-oh really so my prayers and thought patterns are not right? You should only go natural -just put in your body what belongs to the earth. I know people who have died just going natural, and I know people who have died doing chemo. I was faced with the challenge of life or death. And when you are faced with a decision it's your story , your book, not yours to tell someone what choice to make.You wouldn't believe the guilt I carried sometimes from well meaning people.

 

So was my decision all good? Of course not . Is cancer good? Of course not.

Have I suffered through side affects? Yes . Am I still suffering? Yes.

My bones still ache, I get muscles spasm's-like someone just gave me a massive pinch. My memory struggles, seriously -not ageing memory struggles. I can only tolerate my book keeping for short hours at a time. And I'm extremely fatigued all the time.

 

Where does that leave me? Life goes on. I work hard at getting up everyday and being thankful that this is the day that the Lord has made. As long as there is breath in me I will love, and push myself to help others. Does everyday for me look beautiful, no, am I thankful for everyday yes. My weakness has lead me to compassion. And when the world is hurting so do I.

Do I always do this well? No. It's a path I'm choosing and learning to walk this way.

Is my book is far from finished?  The author of my life is Jesus Christ, only He knows how it ends.

Sunday Morning Thoughts

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior.

I take Him at His word indeed:
"Christ died for sinners"--this I read;
For in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior!

That He should leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die,
You count it strange? So once did I
Before I knew my Savior!

And, oh, that He fulfilled may see
The travail of His soul in me,
And with His work contented be,
As I with my dear Savior!

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring-
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior!

Saw a play the other day .WIT, at pacific theatre. It was brilliant and so close to home. A quote from the program "the opportunity to experience God in spite of ourselves".
A woman with stage 4 cancer faces treatments and death. It defiantly got my attention.
Evoking feelings deep within me and stirring thoughts that are easier kept in my head than on paper.
We are all on a journey, we must all face death, but we don't like to talk about it.
Why? because it reaches into our core and forces us to face the finality of life on earth, our hopes and dreams, saying goodbye to those we love, and realising a chapter that we thought was all about us is closing.
My dad taught me that we are all wired with a will to live, that doesn't mean that we don't enter valleys that are to deep to walk through. Some journeys are full of life, energy, sunshine, and some are too dark to handle.
For myself I am living, clutching breathing, holding on to every spark of life my body can handle.
Right now I choose to not focus on what I consider the unfairness of life. But what I can bring to this life. I choose to forgive despite being hurt. I choose to get out of bed because there is a new day in front of me. I choose to read my bible and pray to face my day. I choose to help others . I choose to walk the plan God has chosen for my life, despite my mistakes and imperfections, and there are many. I choose to accept what God has willed what God has planned. My agenda for the day is not always easy, but let me encourage you it is worth it. I choose to feel loved, I choose to work on my marriage, I choose to love my kids, I choose to better myself, I choose life because that right now is what I have been given.

Making Wishes Come True

It started with a little girls dream .Oma I want to get married in 4 days, to my mom.

Can we have a wedding here ?

mom and dad

Followed by this one, my dreamer. My little bundle of energy and joy-that just wanted to have some fun.

Who am I to be the folder of dreams?

Out came the decorations, the wedding dresses, the flowers, the guest list, the wedding cake.

I am Oma , the listener of dreams.

I thrown caution to the wind, I spread joy, I shower love.

 

For I know in these tiny hearts and in these beautiful faces my maker is well pleased.

The world of make believe, mommy can role play-Oma can too.

Of little darlings growing up and having babies of there own.

May I always see the tender heart of a child, no matter how grown up she may be.

And for a moment time stands still, and I savour it all.

Thank you God for little dreamers.

Thank you God for willing hearts that feed into young lives.

Thank you for Chocolate Chip wedding cakes-made by big and small hands.

Thank you for creating dance, a part of celebrations.

Thank you for sisters, and what they mean to each other.

Protect there little hearts, may they always be friends.

Thank you Lord for such a time as this.

May their life be showered with joy.

And the love in this house.

May they never become to old to be silly.

May they remember a time of wonder.

A time of dreams.

May they always remember this Oma made some wishes come true.

And like all fairytale weddings, it ends with a time to nap.

Boss Lake 2016

A weekend away with friends, definitely what the doctor ordered.

We set up our campers, pulled on our shorts and proceeded to enjoy the weekend. 

What is it about the serenity of water ,and no cell phone service that keeps us coming back to the same place?

The longing for friends and sharing life's moments are very precious to all of us.

Its not just walking the easier parts of life, we belong to a kinship.

A sacred trust that can bear the trouble of our souls and still look so good to each other.

A friendship not dependant on what is given to us, but what we can do to lighten the others load.

Between husband and wife, in a society where divorce is strong, desire to make it work is stronger.

and walking and seeing the beauty of being alive is not taken for granted.

we each have a story, unique, different.

A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been,accepts what you have become,and still ,gently allows you to grow.-William Shakespeare

And so my friend, I just want to say thank you.

It is with you all I want to continue to do my life's journey. You inspire me with you compassion. You surround me with your love. You cause me to laugh at myself and teach me joy. You love on me and my children. And you challenge me to a deeper faith in God.

And remember .

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.-Linda Grayson.