Thursday, 15 October 2015

Another Season of Change

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

And the sun does not appear,
I, I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear,
'Cause I, I will be here.

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet,
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen,
And I will be here,
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winnin', losin', and tryin',
We'll be together,
'Cause, I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I, I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years
So, I, I will be here.

I will be here,
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you,
And I will be here,
To watch you grow in beauty and
Tell you all the things you are to me,
'Cause, I will be here.

I will be true to the promise
I have made
To you and to the one who gave you to me

I, I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here,
We'll be together,
I will be here.

Steven Curtis Chapman

Cancer and my journey, not pretty but I will attempt to share.

Why? So it might encourage you , so it might help me. Give and take if you will.

Everyone knows Cancer induces fear, questions, soul searching, and hope.

Hope you say? Yes if we loose hope- we have no future.

If we have all the answers - we are not in need of someone higher than us.

Hope in God, the creator of all things. A hope for the future.

Why as I ponder my life must it be so difficult?

Why couldn't I just have an easy ,cosy existence ?

Is life not beautiful? I mean look around you in North America-beauty everywhere.

I don't pretend to have all the answers.

I'm on a journey and I invite you to walk along side me.

My first chemo treatment started on October 5. It's a two week everyday chemo treatment-before I get a chance to rest for one week, and then start again.

Like the power outage storm we had a month ago- I was ill prepared for the side effects.

They hit like a brick and left me hanging in the dark.

Boom!

So if you see me smiling on pictures it's because of my choice.

I choose to see chemo as a gift. The gift of life -that although can leave me utterly overwhelmed and sick, will not defeat me.

I choose to put my hope in Christ, the rock of my salvation.

I choose to fight for my family, friends and future.

And I challenge you to help me.

How?

Don't be afraid to send me encouragement.

Bring me meals.

Offer to walk with me.

Allow me to say no-don't take it wrong-I'm just not feeling that good.

Pray for me, my kids, my husband.

Send me letters, cards.

Love my kids.

Love my husband, take him for coffee.

Laugh with me.

Cry with me.

Be my cheerleader.

Don't be afraid of my journey.

Don't be silent - I need you in my life.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Wednesday Thoughts

Wrestling with a sleepless night. I prayed for family, friends, my kids, nieces and nephews and still no sleep. It's a big day today and even the two days of fasting has not worn my body out enough to welcome more sleep. Perhaps it's the uncertainty of surgery or more the thoughts to what my life will be like after surgery that has me wide awake.
I called my neighbour yesterday , the one that is fighting cancer herself. We've been friends in this culdesac for at least 23 years. I brought her borscht a month back and cried with her and her cancer journey. I kept my story to myself, it wasn't the right time. When is it the right time to mention that word cancer? I told her my cancer is back , surgery is tomorrow. She showed up at my door 3 hours later with cookies, chocolate and fruit. She was utterly devastated. I was her rock, her role model in fighting her cancer. She grabbed me and hugged me tight, you are going to be alright. We both are . I was shocked, humbled , speechless.
And I want to be her tower to lean on, above all I want her to see Jesus in me. I invited her in for a moment to see my grandchildren. She was in awe of how beautiful they are. I was in awe that I got to spend time with them, did you know I love being an Oma?
In the spring Rudy and I were talking to another neighbour. He was telling me that Rudy and I are his proof that cancer doesn't have to win. That there is hope and a future with cancer. He tells all his friends that we are a success story. We've had cancer and look we are okay. Neighbours watching, doing community together. It's a beautiful thing.
I'm realising my journey is not starting nor ending. My journey has been my life so far and my responsibility to others is enormous. My story is to touch the heart of others and leave a wonderful fragrance behind. It's to cry with the broken, and rejoice with the joyful.
Does that mean I'm never sad or angry or disheartened? No of course not , I'm human . God has made all the different emotions in me for a reason. I ask you to allow me to be transparent. Allow me to be scared, sad ,lonely -walk with me I want you part of my journey. Allow me to grieve when I need to , grieve with me. Allow me to rejoice , rejoice with me. Let's do community it's a beautiful thing.

Friday, 31 July 2015

Summer Thoughts

Summer of 2015. Not at all what I had planned or expected it to be. Reigning in my thoughts to put down on paper has been avoided like stepping on the scale in my bathroom. Maybe if I don't place my feet on that little square scale I really haven't gained any new pounds anywhere.
CANCER, there I said it . I've said it a few times, but it sounds foreign to me -like speaking a completely new language and being overwhelmed by strange words registering in my brain. 15 years ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer. 15 years that seem like yesterday but how life has changed since then. My kids were still under my roof, my parents still alive on earth. My face had much less wrinkles, and I won't even talk about what gravity has done in my body.15 years on earth longer than last time I walked this road, and yet it seems like I just did this. How to come to grips with a word that instills fear and trembling ?How to come to grips with giving up more of my body to a disease that has no right to ask for more of me?
Where do I start? And if I'm honest will you judge me? Are you looking for a feel good story?
If my story can help you read on, if not close my thoughts , avoid them and move on.
June 1st shoulder surgery, routine right? No biggy? So I thought it would be. Before going under the knife I was told there was something wrong with my blood, go see your GP as soon as possible. Wait , what? I woke up sick and scared. Two days later I was at my GP, my blood work indicated internal bleeding. My cycle to bring children into the world had long ago stopped beating. Where was this bleeding coming from? Although our thoughts went straight to cancer, my doctor and I couldn't confirm results without a colonscopy. And even though our thoughts went there our heart and mind didn't go there. Like when you've done everything to starve yourself and your bathroom scale shows you are up 5 pounds. My life felt out of control.I was terrified. I called the elders of the Church to ask for prayer and oil of anointing for healing. I even sent out a fleece, yes I was very brazen, very outside of my box, very open instead of finding a quiet corner and whimpering alone, I called for help. My fleece was to ask for someone to speak over me in tongues. A mighty tall order since I had never before experienced or heard someone do this. And there in the prayer room of NLCC church God met me in my deepest fear and provided a willing soul to speak to me and remind me God was in control and I was going to be okay. He has this , He God has this. How overwelming is that? I can't have this journey , I can't walk it again, but God has it. Later that day another dear friend of mine was used to speak into my life. She unknowingly spoke of hope at a bridal shower for a new bride . Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for hope and a future. I have it marked in my Bible.August 16, 1993 -a promise from God -my child I got this. So I had my colonscopy confirm my worst fears, and I thought Lord I can't do this again. I know you got this- but I'm not sure I can handle it again. And then another Friend came along side me and organised a day of prayer and fasting -intervention , coming before God on behalf of me. Because I know He's got this, but I'm too weak to handle this on my own. And again I was overwhelmed by people saying it's okay Marg we got this with you. We will stand by you . We got this too. And so I wait for the doctors to be used by God. He's got this , He knows the plan I don't. My CT scan revealed no cancer spread to my organs, I'm good to go for surgery. He's got this. Am I afraid, you better believe it. They are removing my whole colon. I suspect I have that for a reason. It's an eerie feeling having something so major being removed from your body. And wondering what my future will look like. I liked the way things were. I do know He's got this. My Saviour, My Lord he's got this. And He has a plan for you to, maybe it's to help me , maybe to help someone else. Make sure to put into action what is asked of you. I know he's got this and you just might be the one to show me He does.