Monday Thoughts

Found myself dealing with thoughts of old. Sitting in the BC Cancer clinic waiting for an appointment for Mattias. How many countless hours and forms has this disease requested of my family? I found myself between hysterics and overwhelming nausea. The word cancer just does that to me. Perhaps other words, infertility , Alzheimer's, losing a child evokes those emotions in you?Cancer does it for me. I caught myself reading all the same brochures, cancer for survivors, living with cancer support groups, etc. But really nothing prepares me for this journey called life, no matter how many times I experience it. We saw the specialist, Orthopaedic surgeon , he deals with malignant and benign tumours, from the xrays it looks benign. We then head to VGH for a biopsy . As I'm mulling over thoughts that should not be there and waiting for Mattias procedure to be over. Code blue is called , in unit 4 ground floor. Again my heart stops and I search. Haven't heard from Mattias in over one hour. Doctors whizz by me , nurses follow suite. Mattias is in unit 4, ground floor. I frantically race around looking for some clue of my baby boy. This can't be happening. A nurse tracks me down, don't worry its not your son that's in trouble. I breathe again, really how much more can I handle. After another half hour I am called into recovery. Code blue man with his throat cut open is being kept alive by someones magical hands pumping air into his lungs. He looks awful, isn't moving and is surrounded by 8 doctors and nurses. I selfishly motion for a nurse to close the curtain to separate me and Mattias from this site. I was swooning and the floor was going to become my new home. And I wondered what was in store for his family. And I know it was gonna be tough. We were told that the cyst was looking like it was benign we will know in a week for sure. And I had to think about why death or the thought of death is so hard, when I know the place that I am going is much better than here. And I didn't have an answer. My dad said before he died that man is born to fight, to want to stay alive. Yes that we are dad, that we are.
 And thank you for those that were holding our family up in prayer. I couldn't do this alone.